Every once in a while, I like to survey some of the stranger incoming searches that have led people to Exercising Monsters. These search terms are brief glimpses into the minds of people that ended up disappointed that they got here.
buttocks blown off: Also “butt blown off in war.” I guess this happens more often than I thought, and it further confirms my belief that we would be better off wearing bulletproof pants rather than bulletproof vests.
rob ford bloated candidate: Like a beached whale with too much gel in his hair. Although I guess he is now a bloated incumbent.
pig rob ford: Pink, aggressive, and prone to charge when he doesn’t get his way. Yeah, I can see the connection.
rob ford pig face: Oh, that’s just mean. Accurate, but still mean, like calling Hazel McCallion a dried apricot.
rob ford drunk with girls: I know, I know. I keep hoping I’ll find some kind of damning, term-ending photographic evidence by chance as well, but as yet none of my Google image searches for “Rob Ford stomping puppies” or “Rob Ford eating homeless people” has brought up anything worthwhile.
articles on homosexuality: I don’t think that I authored any articles on homosexuality here. Did you mean “articles on homogenized milk?” I didn’t author any of those either, but it somehow seems more likely.
never played sports as a child: Yes, even the internet knows that I am hopeless at athletics.
i suck at sports: Fine! Yes! I get it! I suck at sports! Are you happy now?
i have brownies in the oven and it looks like they are boiling: You forgot the flour. Or you just put a pan of water in the oven and hoped that brownies (little fairy creatures) would come and turn it into a plate of chocolaty goodness for you. Either way, you aren’t getting any brownies tonight, my friend.
she eats monsters: That girl’s a keeper. Hang on to her like grim death, ‘cause you never know when a monster might jump out at you. (And can you imagine the look of surprise on that poor monster’s face when your girlfriend starts aggressively unhinging her jaw?)
how to have a babby asexually: I’d love to know what a “babby” is. And if you are trying to have one asexually, it’s probably because no one wants to reproduce with someone that can’t spell “baby.”
emily rose needlework breaking news boy trapped: How on earth are you going to cross stitch that fast enough for the news about the trapped boy to still be breaking? And how does the exorcism fit into it? Your homecraft is far too ambitious! Simplify!
zachery ty bryan eye color: No one needs to know this. Stop using the internet, you weirdo.
wordpress.com my lovely “wedding”: I am very worried that you used quotation marks around the word “wedding.” Was a shotgun (figurative or literal) involved?
assignment make me die picture: I really want to know what picture you were hoping to get from this search. Also, you need to be less dramatic about your Geography homework.
ignorant dribble: You’ve come to the right place, my friend.
difference between lestat dracula edward: It’s the difference between a rock star, a super-villain, and a whiny dork.
chipmunk warfare: Amongst the chipmunks, quarter is neither asked nor given.
outside the lines fat fan: Is this a fat fan that can’t colour well, perhaps due to severe “sausage-finger?” Or is this a fat fan that lives on society’s margins, existing only to fight the system?
american have terrible diets: True, but you have terrible grammar. That makes you even.
why human beings felt need of decimals: I like the existentialist element to this. It gets me thinking about decimals floating through the ether, waiting for a genuine need to call them into existence.
gaiman strawberry shortcake: As much as he does delve into reimagining old narratives in his work, I don’t think Neil Gaiman has yet mined Strawberry Shortcake for source material.
do i refer to myself as this writer: I want to know which writer gets the dubious honour of having you refer to yourself as them. Are you the type that gets a thrill from being Janet Evanovich or do you get your jollies by masquerading as Michael Ondaatje?
piratensex: Not quite sure about this one. I think that it is meant to be some kind of brand name, like “Pirate ‘n Sex Spiced Rum,” or “Pirate ‘n Sex Brothel and Fabric Store.” I can guarantee that it will be better than my failed “Cowboys ‘n Slander Trail Mix” idea.
butt tattoos: Really, what is the best possible outcome of this search? No one with a good butt will have a tattoo on it. Butt tattoos are compensation for bad butts.
50 cent is pumpkin: In my mind, this is street-lingo for something really awesome, like, “That man be some bad pumpkin.” (And then everyone nods knowingly, mumbling things like, “Righteous pumpkin…”)
prostitution abstract pottery: Are the prostitutes making the abstract pottery? Or do you have to make abstract pottery in payment for their services?
how to help an emotional mess: If I knew how to do that, I wouldn’t feel the need to blog.
is stephen fry gay a genious?: I don’t know. Is preference sexual and structure sentence important meaning to the?
what to wear to be a hipster: I don’t know. Ask my brother what he wears. (Sorry, Ben. Couldn’t help myself.)
moved into apartment that seem to smell of rancid grease: My guess is that there is some rancid grease sitting around. But I’m not Mike Holmes, so don’t take my word for it.
typhoid cancel sign: If only it were so easy…
good vs moldy cauliflower: I want to know if this person is asking how to tell the difference between the two (assuming that the mold growing on the moldy cauliflower isn’t indication enough), or if they are asking about the respective uses for each. I mean, you’d look like a knob if you tried to make Martha Stewart’s famous Rotten Cauliflower and Expired Cheese Soufflé using the fresh stuff.
nick stirling naked: Even I find that gross to the point of nausea.