anal-retentive charmin bears, baby poop, dumb commercials, Nicholas Stirling, people not using their car signals, swiss chalet bandwagon, the young and the restless, watching fox news unironically, weeds
I’m feeling vitriolic today. I can’t really say why, but it is overwhelming to the point that I need to vent. And I do this in full awareness of this idiot’s response from a while back, one where I am told that I am narcissistically unaware of how negative I am about everything.
Yep, Angela Bryant, this one is for you.
All commercials are stupid. My wife is baffled by why this bothers me, but it seems perfectly obvious. If your job is to write and direct commercials, you should be doing that job well. 95% of them are insulting, sexist, racist, ignorant, condescending, or gross. The Charmin Bear family members are constantly discussing their “bathroom cleanliness” to the point that Freud himself would throw his hands up and call them incurable. Swiss Chalet thinks itself awfully brilliant: telling me that several million people came to their famous chicken shack and were too terrified of salmonella to order anything but the ribs does not make me want their ribs. It makes me wonder why they don’t just post a big flashing sign at the back of the commercial that says “BANDWAGON,” as if it were made for a grade 7 media studies class. And if I see one more infomercial for a new thematic iteration of the Snuggie, I may have to direct my ire at the local “As Seen On TV” store in the form of a plague of rats purchased from the pet store above them.
Bitter Complaint #2
Car signals appear to be optional. I don’t care that it is a cliché so well-trodden that it makes the Appian Way look like a goat path. If you change lanes without a signal you should have your license revoked and then stitched into your forehead. It makes the highway a thousand times more dangerous than it needs to be, and it is further proof that humanity is flushing itself down the toilet by way of ignorance, narcissism, and selfishness.
Bitter Complaint #3
Babies poop all the time. I swear that my daughter poops more, by volume, than she eats. She must be part plant; the only logical conclusion is that she is drawing carbon out of the air and fixing it into stinky messes in her diaper. Either that or she is secretly a Level 12 Fecal Conjurer.
Bitter Complaint #4
Soap operas are still on television. It’s true, a bunch of the old school ones have been dropped in the last few years, but a couple of them are still hanging on like putrid, pestilent, badly-written trolls on the underside of television’s vast entertainment superhighway. My hatred of the genre is well documented. But still, the citizens of Genoa City continuing to ruin my day from 4:30 to 5:30, blithely living their incestuous, homicidal, amnesiac lives like the world’s most well-dressed Ozark hillbillies.
Bitter Complaint #5
There are a lot of Americans that still watch Fox News unironically. It’s like they don’t get that something so ignorant, racist, and wrong has to be joke. It is a joke, right?
Bitter Complaint #6
Weeds don’t count as a lawn. Why not? Eh? Why the frig not? Why on earth would we choose plants that can’t survive on their own as our default land covering in civilization? That’s like breeding chickens that need to be on oxygen all the time and trying to force them to the head of the evolutionary line for aesthetic reasons. My lawn can kick any other lawn’s butt, in that it is composed of the hardiest, most cantankerous, cut-throat plants this side of the Carolinian forests. It killed all my lovely Kentucky blue, and it will kill yours too, so watch out.