There aren’t too many people that I out and out hate. I mean, I dislike the vast majority of humanity, but that is a kind of base-level ickiness about the world; people, in my estimation deserve no better.
And then there are guys like Chael Sonnen.
Those that know me also know that I am a devoted MMA (mixed martial arts, a.k.a. cage fighting, ultimate fighting, no-holds-barred fighting, or vale tudo) fan. I follow most major fighting organizations, train a few times a week, and even teach a bit of it. I recognize the irony of my love of this sport; I frequently complain about the stupidity of professional sports in general, and I loathe the hold that they have on our culture.
Chael Sonnen is someone that makes all sports look bad. He is, ostensibly, a mixed martial artist, but he is also an outspoken Republican, real-estate agent, part-time politician, and full-time jackass. He’s the guy at the party that runs his mouth the whole night about how he could beat up anyone, anytime, anywhere, that drinks all your beer, calls your girlfriend fat, and then passes out in a pile of his own vomit on your bathroom floor.
He said that he could slap former UFC heavyweight Brock Lesnar (a 300-pound certified monster truck with a crew-cut) in the face and not suffer any repercussion for it.
He said that UFC middleweight champion and pound-for-pound, all-time great fighter Anderson Silva (against whom he eventually lost) should get out of the UFC and join a gang because he wears baggy pants, earrings, and pink t-shirts.
And he has, in the past, accused Lance Armstrong of giving himself testicular cancer by using steroids.
Trash talk against an opponent is one thing, but listening to his constant grand-standing about how everyone in the world was a fraud compared to him really made me want to see his face get smashed in. And I want to see that happen to surprisingly few people.
Thankfully, Anderson Silva tapped him out in the fifth round of their championship fight, negating the fact that Sonnen was handily winning the fight up until that point.
Normally I would be happy just to see that mouthy little wiener lose, but things got better really, really quickly. Chael Sonnen, the man that accused Lance Armstrong of trying to personally profit from giving himself cancer, tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs after the fight. The irony was wonderfully thick.
But wait! There’s more!
Sonnen, who couldn’t seem to shut up to save his life before the match, went suddenly silent. No more Twittering, no more online posts, no press releases, no interviews. Blissful, utterly wonderful silence.
But wait… again! There’s even more than that!
And yesterday, news broke that he had plead guilty to money laundering in connection with mortgage fraud. The man that questioned the integrity of every man, woman, and child around him is now a convicted criminal.
All of this happened over the course of six months.
Had Chael Sonnen been a fictional character, an ending like this one would be too convenient, too perfect to accept in anything other than the sappiest, schmaltziest made-for-TV movie on the W Network. No one would believe it. But the fact that someone as arrogant, nasty, ignorant, tasteless, and Republican as Chael Sonnen can fall so fast, so far is proof that there is still some good in the world, that God still has a sense of irony, and that your shouldn’t be dishing it out if you can’t take it because of the conditions of your house arrest.