It always amazes me that I get presents from the kids that I teach. I’m sure that many of them really hate me, and I mean really hate me; I bet they have drawings of me taped to dart boards and urinals. As such, getting Christmas presents (even if they are purchased by their parents) is an unexpected bonus of the job.
This year was a change since I no longer teach at a private school where the kids arrive in vehicles that have average sticker prices of $100 000. I figured that I might get some apples, a rock, and at least two lumps of coal. Instead, I received the following:
- Many, many Tim Horton’s gift cards. Teachers and coffee go together like lawyers and gin. You can’t go wrong with caffeine.
- Two travel mugs. To be filled with Tim Horton’s coffee, no doubt.
- An extra-large Tim Horton’s coffee. This kid delivered it to me while I was out on duty in the cold. And he brought me cream and sugar since he didn’t know how I took my coffee. What twelve-year-old boy does that? (Note: I have not yet been wracked with abdominal cramps or keeled over dead, so I don’t think that he poisoned it.)
- Eighteen-thousand Lindor chocolates. Not a bad thing at all.
- Thirty-three-thousand Ferrero Rocher chocolates. Even less of a bad thing. Strangely, these were the only kinds of chocolate that I received this year. No cheapo chocolate at all. No fillers. None of those foil wrapped balls that end up at the bottom of the candy bowl until late June when they get eaten out of ill-advised, chocolate-fix desperation.
- Enough Chapters, Best Buy, and LCBO gift cards to keep me reading, gaming, and drinking until well into March. I fear that my kids know me too well.
- Three bottles of wine. In case I ran out of booze purchased with the gift cards.
- A giant bottle of 7% winter ale. Do my clothes reek that strongly of booze?
- A wickedly difficult wooden puzzle from a kid that has made it her heaven-sent duty to try to stump me. But how am I supposed to solve it when I’m so drunk?