As in Twisted Paths, Part 1 (shamelessly stolen from Dave Carrol), I have recently received a number of stellar items in my blog stats.  Being a narcissist (as all good bloggers are), I spend a large part of every day carefully studying and itemizing the information that WordPress presents me, like how many users have visited each day (usually less than zero), each week (zero times seven), or month (zero times 28-31), from what site they were directed (discount, off-brand medical suppliers from Russia), and what search terms brought them to my virtual door.

There were some good ones this week.

  • prison bullying

Yeah, I talk about bullying sometimes, but I don’t recall when I discussed the dynamics of prison bullying in my blog.  That’s probably because I haven’t spent very much time in prison myself.  (I’m very good at hiding the evidence of my corporate embezzlement.)  I imagine that it functions much the same as bullying in schools, but with more dangerous showers.

  • the thundercats

Yes!  Yes yes yes!  Thundercats!  Booyah!  I am so getting that tattoo of Cheetara choking out Megatron on my butt!

  • strangest garage sale items

I don’t know what the strangest item in my dad’s garage sale was, but I can certainly tell you who the strangest person.  In retrospect, the man was a consummate hoarder.  I’m thinking that I will someday see him on A&E along with rooms filled with discarded items from my past.  Actually, it would be neat seeing my old desk chair buried in a six-foot pile of cat poop.

  • brownies have bubbles in the oven

You forgot the flour. You might not think that it was important to follow the instructions carefully, but there is a reason why those boxes of brownie mix sell so well.

I do very much like the idea of someone trying to make dessert for their date, frantically Googling for an answer, and coming up with my stupid rambling instead.  I imagine that there was a bit of cursing at that moment.

  • how to make brownies out of nothing

Sorry, but you can’t make something from nothing.  Unless, of course, you work on an entertainment news show.  Then it’s just another day at the office with the rest of the parasites.

  • pretty child bookworm

Definitely not me.  I was a serious bookworm as a child, but the south end of a northbound camel has the edge on me in the looks department.

My daughter is awfully pretty, but she’s only six-months-old, so her use of books is confined to eating, throwing, or moistening with drool.  I hope that she’ll one day turn into as much of a bookworm as I was, but I would never wish my face on her.

  • stephenie meyer piss take

Taking the piss out of Stephenie Meyer?  Taking her piss out of something?  Or is a piss take like a spit take, except that instead of spitting out your drink in shock you pee yourself?  Does Stephenie Meyer do this?  I bet she does.  It’s the sort of thing that the author of flighty, brainless Vamp-tramp fiction would do.

Twilight sucks.

  • playhouse out of pallets

I’m sorry, but I sold all my pallets to “Pans Chelyabinsk.”  Their service was outstanding, though they did only speak Russian and one of the delivery guys spilled vodka on my carpet.  I’m afraid that my daughter will have to play in a house not made of E-grade, splintery, rusty-nail-filled wood.

  • i keep dreaming about an alligator killing my brother what does this mean???

Really it means that you are a delusional dope.  You are hopeful that the internet is a place of magical answers, where one must only type in a highly specific (and grammatically incorrect) question to have it pop out a brilliant response tailored to your every need.  Instead, you got me.

I think that it means that you hate your brother.  Or you love alligators.  Maybe you fed your little brother to an alligator when you went on a trip to Florida and you have been guilt-ridden about it ever since.  Regardless, you need to learn how to use a period properly.

  • rob ford is fat


  • rob ford stupid

Only the fat comment is more obvious, and even then it’s probably a tie.  And the missing verb emphasizes his idiocy.

  • jean chretien sideways

… is no better looking than he is head-on.  Nor is he any more intelligible.

  • сурок

What?  I’m getting hits in Cyrillic now?  Babelfish tells me that this word means “marmot.”  Do marmots live in Russia?  Are the Russians interested in them?  Either way, some kid from Minsk did not get the info he needed for his school project.

  • can random sex make me feel better about myself

Maybe it can.  But when you realize that someone, somewhere, can see that you searched this phrase on Google, the buzz will disappear quickly.