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Computer Generated Status Report on Nick:

Work efficiency: 78%

Subject is acclimatizing well to new environment, but optimal efficiency continues to elude him due to early startup times and poor hibernating facilities. Suggest that subject increase intake of green, leafy vegetables and reduced intake of cookies and chocolate bars.

Cooking efficiency: 35%

Subject has abandoned previous gains in culinary presentation and imagination. Suggest temporary restriction to a 4 day rotational schedule of simple meals that are grating-, zesting-, poaching-, and mincing-free. Melted cheese is encouraged in moderation.

Parenting efficiency: 59%

Subject is still attempting to find a comfortable balance between work, recreation, and baby snuggling. Feelings of absenteeism continue while in work environment, leaving subject with confused sensations of cold spots where babies normally rest. Upon returning to the home environment, subject immediately gravitates towards the resident baby for kisses and cuddles. Chores and responsibilities are neglected. Dirty clothes piles have reached catastrophic heights.

Marital Efficiency: 67%

Subject must work hard in order to make couple time with subject’s wife. Subject’s small daughter often intervenes with demands for attention and adoration, which, while important for the subject, often leads to high levels of exhaustion that decrease the occurrences of “date nights.” Intervention by parents is often needed to facilitate away time.

Artistic efficiency: 12%

Subject has not produced enough material for accurate assessment in 6+ months. Creative portions of subject’s brain have atrophied beyond repairable levels.

Athletic Efficiency: Error

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