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Now with offices in Smolensk, Minsk, and the old missile silo near Sokolova.

In light of what appears to be a solid dry spell in my creativity, I couldn’t help but share this little gem with the world.

WordPress has an excellent spam filter called Akismet (which is a fantastic name that I may use for my next child).  It has saved me from 525 spam comments since I started Exercising Monsters a year ago, and that makes me happy, but not because I don’t want spam.  Rather, when my readership numbers are down (as they are now that The Great Twilight: New Moon craze has died off and people have stopped searching incessantly for Team Edward and Team Jacob pictures to use as their Facebook profile pics), sometimes spam is the only thing that makes me feel like anyone is listening to me, even if that “anyone” is a computer program.  Spam gives me hope that I haven’t fallen off the virtual map completely.

For some reason (possibly because of this post) I keep getting a lot of Russian spam.  My Cyrillic is a little bit rusty, so I’m never sure what exactly it is that these spammers want, and I just assumed that they were the same sort of things I get in English (online casinos, investment scams, cheap knockoff meds, male enhancement devices, etc.).  It finally occurred to me to use Yahoo’s Babel Fish to get a rough translation, and boy was I shocked by the result!

Observe:

To all regards! Recently task arose before me, where to place [nakopishiesya] [evropoddony], or still them are called pallets, Pans, [Evropallety] the sizes of 800*1200, this 1000*1200- Tara By [prom] of designation.

A little prehistory. Itself I work as storekeeper on the storage. To us comes much production on [Evropoddonakh], goods we sell and pans they remain, the question came up where to place them. Earlier we them threw out.

They then to me prompted, that for the pans it is possible to obtain money. It began to [obzvanivat] firm they were everywhere price cheap, then friends to me prompted, that in Chelyabinsk there is this firm “[Uralsklad] “, about 10 years on the market for industrial Tara [s] grow prettier by reputation. I found their site in the Internet – (site removed) and rang on tel. +7 (351) 555-55-55.

Literally in the hour drove up their representative, auto- with the logotype “pans Chelyabinsk “. Prices purchasing proved to be highest into Chelyabinsk. All loaders civilized loaded the pallets of [eshe] and they purchased the scrap of pans, they were calculated by on the spot available. About other firms I learned either prices low or they reject much, yes even money from them you will not wait for. So that if in you were soiled [evropoddony], you do not hurry to eject them, better exchange them for the money.

Well, this cleared a lot up for me.  It turns out that there is a real market out there for what I think are old shipping pallets, even when they are “soiled.”  And from what I can gather, these pallets, or “pans,” are also self-aware, since they themselves prompted the writer of this message to seek out a means of selling them off rather than throwing them away.  The owner of the store was wise in taking the prettiest of the bunch (never trust the ugly companies), and it paid off when all of the loaders that arrived were civilized.  (One of the distributors when I worked at Chapters used Neanderthals as shippers.  Nice guys, but they always reeked of dead mastodon and cheap cologne.)

So, if you are staring at that big pile of shipping pallets at the back of your warehouse and don’t know where to turn, look for the big red truck with the logotype “Pans Chelyabinsk” on the side.  Civilized, prettier than the competition, and willing to help you even if you’re soiled.

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