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Seriously, Twilighters, go read about Lestat's adventures and see how the undead really ought to live

Well, it was bound to happen eventually.

At some point, some slavering Twilight fan would eventually realize that the Vampire Alternatives post I made was not particularly nice to Stephenie Meyer’s pasty brainchildren, and this one has decided to come out swinging against me.


Kay Kay

June 25, 2010 10:43 am

Ok, i LOVE LOVE LOVE Twilight. I read all the books. They are AWESOME! There may be haters out there who go around to every web site they can find and say bad things about Twilight. GET A LIFE PEOPLE! But who cares???? Not me. Are you just trying to get people to not like Twilight? If they are a truly devoted fan, they won’t stop loving Twilight cuz a couple of idiots said it was horrible. So, all you haters out there, cut it out! No one cares about what you have to say! And I don’t care if I get hate comments on this, I REALLY don’t. Team Jacob all the way!!!

There are a number of nasty things I could say to this response.

So I will.

  • I don’t feel like listening to anyone with a name like Kay Kay. That is the kind of name that should only be reserved for small yappy dogs with pink hair and a closet full of tiny sweater vests.  Jojo I can handle, and even the occasional Kiki, but saying a name like Kay Kay out loud makes the speaker sound like a stuttering valley girl with Tourette’s.
  • “Ok” is not a word. “Okay” is a word, as is the generally accepted abbreviation “OK,” but “Ok” would be pronounced “awk.”  So you just started your argument with a bird noise.  Way to go.
  • You can’t LOVE LOVE LOVE something. Grammatically speaking, you shouldn’t just repeat a verb to make it stronger.  You’re looking for an adverb here, dear.  I suggest “really,” “truly,” or “curiously.”
  • Twilight books are not awesome. You might well like them, and that is an opinion to which you are entitled, but even the fans of Twilight are willing to admit that the writing is nothing special and the character relationships are problematic enough to be the subject of numerous after-school specials.  They are mediocre but popular books, and they are terrible movies that sell out because their fan base is 13 years old and willing to watch anything with Taylor Lautner’s navel in it.
  • “But who cares????” Four question marks in a row do not do what you think they do. At the most logical, it makes the question more interrogative, but I don’t know how that would apply in this case.  It certainly doesn’t add emphasis.  You might want to try to the grammatically incorrect but highly expressive quexclamation mark: “?!”
  • Are you just trying to get people to not like Twilight?”  No.  The franchise is doing an excellent job of that itself. I do, however, feel that it is my right to point out the fact that almost every other vampire story out there is far more interesting, thought-out, and engaging than Stephenie Meyer’s angsty, teenaged melodrama. 

  • “Cuz” also is not a word. It isn’t even a contraction.  I don’t know what the hell it is.

  • And I don’t care if I get hate comments on this, I REALLY don’t. Oh, you REALLY don’t, do you?  REALLY?  Because in my experience, people that write words like REALLY in all caps are protesting something in the way that Shakespeare’s Queen Gertrude might point out as a bit suspicious in nature.

  • And finally, Team Jacob all the way!!!” All the way to what, exactly?  All the way to acting school?  All the way to a character that has more depth than a sheet of tracing paper?  All the way to a basic education that includes the proper use of end punctuation?  All of these places would be a worthwhile visit, Kay Kay.

Plain black leather would be a way cooler way to pretend to be a vampire than any of these journals. In fact, a school grammar pad would be cooler.

So, dear Kay Kay, I will not “cut it out,” “get a life,” or “sit on it.”  I will, however, anxiously await the next flailing attack from another Twilight fan.

But only if they first compose their response in red ink in one of those crappy Twilight journals.  Because those are awesome.