WordPress is a fascinating place.  They have made themselves into a massive repository of the twisted ramblings of blogging idiots.  People can set up a professional-looking site for free, can write whatever they damn well please, and the internet will direct the foolish and the careless to them in droves.

Ha ha.

I started blogging last August with the idea that it would channel some of my brutal frustration at not being able to find work.  It would be nice to suggest that I didn’t care if anyone read it, but I am just as narcissistic as anyone else; I wanted to be found.  I hoped that people would randomly find me, comment on my brilliant musings, and offer me lucrative writing deals.

But the interweb is cruel #$%&.

For many months I toiled, posting several times a week, watching the elaborate stats and tracking systems that WordPress offers its deluded followers as reminders that no one is there and no one cares.  I was particularly interested in the “Search Terms” section, particularly after reading many an article like this one, part of a series at Big Ear Creations.  I wanted to know by what twisted path people arrived here.

This game sucked when I was getting 10 hits a day and all of them were my mother.

But slowly, surely, there came new hits from odd places.  First, searching “pesticides in agriculture” directed people to “Baskets of Homemade Fruit for a Shut-In.” Then, “Ancaster Toyota” brought readers in to “Ancaster Toyota and the Magic of Cookies.” These felt pretty obvious, but it was still nice to know that a handful of people were stumbling in to see what was happening at Exercising Monsters.

In the last month, however, there have been strange surges of people arriving seemingly by chance.  I have seen a significant rise in the following searches:

  • “alligators” I once wrote about dreaming of alligators surrounding my dad’s place.  I guess I’m not alone.
  • “munny” Abby totally looked like a Munny at 10 weeks old.  This is an obvious one.
  • “team jacob” I hate Twilight, but I love that a very few of Stephenie Meyer’s fans get directed to my homemade anti-Twilight t-shirt ideas.
  • “team edward” Just as bad as Team Hairy Doofus Jacob.  You deserve to be mocked on my site.
  • “asexual reproduction” Great.  I love that people are finding me based on this term.  I’ll just wait until Justin Timberlake brings asexy back and then I’ll be all set.
  • “evgeni plushenko” Even better.  The weirdest looking figure skater in the circuit is now sending me traffic.
  • “oliver maki” This is my grandfather.  He is a professional prospector.  I’ve written about him a few times, one of them about him dragging me around inside a large plastic bag.  I bet his clients love that one.
  • “death from exercising wearing trash bag” Yep.  This is the single point where my grandfather and weight-cutting misadventure meet.
  • “birthday cake fail” I have no freaking idea.