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According to this thing, Erin's snoring is going to cause what little muscle I have to waste away and give me a beer gut. Thanks, Erin. Thanks a lot.

First of all, let me apologize for the disjointed nature of this post.  I am running on about 3 hours of sleep right now, and my jaw is throbbing from where someone chopped me with a spinning backfist yesterday.  (These two things are not otherwise directly related.)

The lack of sleep came from Erin’s new pregnancy symptom: snoring.

I get it.  Snoring is not something you can consciously control.  I spent years of vacations with my dad and brother, crammed into a hotel room, listening to the alternating rhythm of their rattling throat bits, wondering if I ever made that kind of noise when I was passed out.  I can ignore it in most situations.

But last night, for about 4 hours, I was treated to a whole new kind of snoring.

Erin doesn’t usually snore.  She’s a great bed-sharer.  She only occasionally steals the blankets, and she always gives them back when I ask nicely.  She doesn’t demand constant cuddling and she’s quick to flip off her alarm.

However, the combination of 9 months of pregnancy and the lingering aftereffects of a cold have done horrible things to her nocturnal breathing.  Last night, round about midnight, she started in with a high nasal rasp followed by a breathy exhale:

Hnchchchchchchchchchchnnn… huhhhhhhhhhhhh…

She told me that, in the event of snoring, I should give her a little poke to wake her up and force her into another position, thus (hopefully) ending the noise.  So that’s what I did.  Silence ruled for about 30 seconds.  Then…

Snorkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkr… prttttttttllllllll…

“…the hell?” I muttered to myself.  I prodded her again, and again I was given roughly 30 seconds of reprieve.  Then…

Crprprprprprprprprprppraprapprapprapperpot… flooooooooooosneeeeee…

Three distinct snores, each one more sleep-ruining than the last, and they were all coming from my wife.  I felt like I was channel surfing the radio stations in hell.

This happened a solid dozen times between the hours of midnight and 3:30, at which point Erin snuck away to the guest room to sleep, leaving me sleep-deprived and feeling like the meanest person in the whole entire world.  I promised her that next time it happens, I’ll take the crappy guest bed and leave her to snore through her playlist in peace.