Baby is theoretically on her way. She is due May 15th.
However, she is also composed of the fused DNA of two incredibly stubborn people (she may actually emerge part mule), so who knows when she’ll get here.
While reading about the experiences of other mothers, my wife read what could kindly be described as the most demanding birth plan ever created in the history of childbirth. While I’m all for birth plans, empowerment, knowledgeable decision making, etc, assuming that every doctor and nurse is a total moron and that all medical procedures are rooted in ignorance is a lousy way to approach the process of birthing a child. Yes, you may wish to eat a Happy Meal during transition, but it could lead to problems if you suddenly have to go in for surgery, as could your desire to have the father gnaw through the umbilical cord while the doula anoints the newborn with oil she squeezes from a freshly killed wombat.
In that spirit, I am providing Baby with her own list of completely unreasonable demands. (I will use an overhead projector and a reversed piece of acetate to shine the list on Erin’s stomach for her to peruse.)
- Baby needs to give us lots of warning that she’s planning on coming out. I think that it should be at least 72 hours, and I would prefer something in writing so that we can hold her to it later on. That way I can book time off work and we can arrange for the baby-arrival phone chain to go out on schedule.
- Baby needs to start up the whole laboring process before 10:00 AM on that day. If she doesn’t, she needs to wait until the following day to begin. None of this starting late at night or while Erin’s asleep; I want her good and rested before she goes through the equivalent of forcing a pot roast through a drinking straw.
- Baby will not get stuck while trying to perform that tricky quarter-turn head maneuver through the pelvis. I think that she should start practicing it now. I’m not sure how she can replicate that opening, though. Maybe she should fashion the umbilical cord into some kind of a practice hole and work with that.
- Baby will not cry inarticulately when out of the womb. I’m working on teaching her a series of hand signals: clenched right fist means she’s hungry; clenched left fist means that she’s soiled herself; both clenched fists means that she wants to watch The Ultimate Fighter with Daddy and that she’s rooting for Team Lidell.
- Baby will not do those silly, counter-productive baby things that babies always do. No self-clawing with little baby nails, no playing with poop, no pretending that you’ve stopped breathing to freak us out over the baby monitors, no refusing to eat when you are obviously hungry, and no refusing to leave silly hats on you head long enough for picture-taking.
I’m giving Baby 24 hours to respond with any amendments. Failure to respond in that time will be taken as legally binding approval.