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Please be sure to read Babymooning in the Falls, Part 1 before continuing.  Otherwise you will get confused and distressed, and I don’t want that on my conscience.

The author's wife enjoying a virgin daiquiri at the Fallsview Keg.

After my wife was refused entry to the Fallsview Casino due to her political past, we decided that a nap and a shower would be a better use of our time than handing our money over to the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Commission.  We headed up to our room, luxuriated in the opulence of not having a wall between the toilet and the bed, and got ready for our luxury dinner at The Keg.

Those of you that know me know that I am not a red meat kind of guy.  Most men lust after steak; I prefer fish.  So a steakhouse is not usually going to get me excited for dinner.  I give a pass to The Keg, however.  I don’t know if they feed their cows cocaine or soak their steaks in butter or surreptitiously pump endorphins into my butt via hidden needles in the seats, but it works.  I ordered their smallest cut of prime rib and was rewarded with a slab of delicious beef the size of a catcher’s mitt.  The baked potato and Caesar salad were effectively afterthoughts.

My wife ordered the salmon in an attempt to get us banned from yet another Niagara Falls establishment.

The view was of rushing water lit by the setting sun.  The music was pleasant.  The food was fabulous.  But my wife and I had something else in mind as we ate.  And we wanted to get our waitress in on it.

“Excuse me,” my wife coyly asked her.  “Do you remember what the name of Kirstie Alley’s character on Cheers was?  It’s driving us nuts and we can’t think of it.  We know that Shelley Long played Diane, but we can’t remember the other one.”

Our waitress was not amused, but promised that she would “ask around.”  I don’t think that she did, and I’m pretty sure she spat in my beer.

A panormaic view of the casino from our hotel room. The American falls complement the tacky viewing tower nicely.

After clogging the hell out of our arteries, Erin and I headed back to the casino, this time with all of the proper paperwork in hand.  After proving that she could actually drive, buy firearms, and hunt and kill up to three moose if they were in season and sexually mature, Erin finally made it past security to join me in the splendour of the Fallsview Casino.

And then, against all odds, we promptly won $100 on quarter slots.

So we immediately left before we could blow it all on machines that have been designed to steal from us.  It was a fine ending to a wonderful night.

The next day was also obscenely beautiful, so we decided to brave the kitsch and dangerous inclines of Clifton Hill.  As we walked past several varieties of wax museum, spook house, and candy store, Erin and I marveled at the fact that Niagara Falls consistently ranks as one of the most popular honeymoon destinations in the world.  The falls themselves are pretty awesome, and there are lots of great hotels, but what is it about arcades and all-you-can-eat buffets that draw the newly married in like flies?  Yes, the WWE Piledriver ride is awfully romantic, but how many times can you get dropped 100 feet and still feel the love?

Giving in to the silliness of it all, Erin and I decided to wander into the famous Ripley’s Believe It or Not…

To be concluded on Friday.

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