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She did not lose the gold medal. She won the silver medal. So help me, if I hear one more bloated, useless newscaster accuse her of losing it again, I am going to beat the Olympic spirit into him/her with a lit torch.

While watching the strange spectacle that is the freestyle moguls at this year’s Winter Olympic games, I came to a few conclusions.

First of all, every single member of the broadcasting team at CTV is a giant jerkface.  When Jennifer Heil won the silver medal, everyone there acted like she had somehow broken Canada’s collective heart by not getting the gold medal, even though she had an outstanding run and was ousted from the top spot only by a “run-of-a-lifetime” effort by the American.  I get it, we wanted home-soil gold, but making someone feel like crap for “only” being the second best in the world should be illegal.  Every one of CTV’s broadcasters should be forced to do a blindfolded mogul run on a bicycle with no seat.  Twice.

Secondly, Canadian gold-medallist Alexandre Bilodeau is a stud, but even more so because he keeps citing his cerebral-palsy-afflicted brother as being his motivation for everything that he does.  It’s like a cheesy, “made for TV” movie (the kind that would star Kirk Cameron and at least two former cast members of Wings), but the fact that it is real makes it inspiring to a teary degree.  Me?  I only have a crumby, fully functional brother.  Well, that’s not entirely true; he does get winded easily, so maybe that can be my inspiration to get a gold medal in darts or something.

Inspired by a handicapped brother to win Olympic gold? It would be unbelievably silly if it wasn't actually true. Throw in a scene of him kissing Jennifer Heil in the rain and you could make a Nicholas Sparks movie out of it.

Thirdly, I get the sense that there are some strangely arbitrary events this year.  Why is it that the moguls are combined with two ski-jumps?  Is it not challenging enough to negotiate a series of mutant-sized molehills at highway speeds without requiring the athlete to back flip off a ramp every 100 feet?  Why should we stop there?  Let’s start pressuring the IOC to bring in some more hybrid events:

  1. Ski Jump on a Bobsled. The real trick with this one is the landing.  I figure that it can be made reasonably safe by either making an enclosed bobsled capsule (using a retractable roof), or by making the landing area out of giant pillows.  Extra points would be awarded for not pooping in your pants.
  2. The Four-Man Skeleton. There’s a two-man luge, right?  Has there ever been a valid reason offered as to why someone took a perfectly fine (if dangerous) event and threw another body on top of it as a piece of meat-ballast?  You want higher ratings?  Try to fit four guys on one skeleton and send it hurtling down an icy chute.  It would be up to the competing team to come up with how they would all fit on it (“4 spoons,” “head-toe-head-toe,” or “human-knot”).
  3. Head-to-Head Ice Dancing. I will not pretend to be a progressive, metrosexual kind of guy by saying that I can appreciate figure skating, pairs, or ice dancing.  Even being as girly as I am, I find this part of the Olympics to be dull, vapid, chintzy, and not fit for human consumption.  The only way that I can see it being remotely watchable is if there is a really strong chance of a collision during the short program.  What’s the easiest way to do that?  Make them do their programs two teams at a time!  Put the Russians in there with the Chinese, play both soundtracks at once, and see who has the stones to triple lutz the competition across the throat and still nail the landing.  The singles would go four at a time in a battle-royal.
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