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deer wine holder

This is me as a deer. Or maybe an elk.

Since I can’t seem to get the job for which I am the most qualified, I guess I need to start looking at other options.

Full Time Writer:

  • Pros

I can make my own hours, which I like, because I tend to suffer from insomnia.  I can work in my pajamas (which never went over well when I tried it as a teacher, or when I worked at Chapters, the bunch of prudes).  And I can keep up with my soap opera… daytime sports shows.

  • Cons

So far, no one wants to pay me to write anything.  Also, the social isolation is a bit much: I’ve started holding staff meetings with my Lego Star Wars figures.  They’re a good bunch, but there isn’t one original idea in the lot of them.  And I think that Boba Fett is stealing office supplies.

Video Game Tester:

  • Pros

I could get paid for an activity that I already do to the point that it could be considered a non-chemical addiction.  I wouldn’t need to keep borrowing games from my little brother (aged 26).  I would hold sway over legions of envious nerds, geeks, and losers.

  • Cons

“Gamer’s thumbs;” it’s like tennis elbow but without the threat of physical fitness.  “The FPS Twitches;” comes from playing too much Halo online with ADHD 13-year-olds on Redbull and Ritalin.  “Grand Theft Auto Syndrome;” you start treating your car like a weapon, you want to throw grenades into crowds just because they’re full of ugly people, and you start to believe that flying a stolen helicopter will be relatively easy and generally ignored by the authorities.

Professional Mixed Martial Artist:

  • Pros

Fame.  Notoriety.  Sexy cauliflower ears.

  • Cons

Scar tissue.  Torn ligaments.  Sexy cauliflower ears.

Wine Taster:

  • Pros

It would take only a minor adjustment to my current lifestyle (more silver buckets and better wine).  I could more easily justify drinking before noon.  I could use terms like “bouquet,” “palette,” and “frizzlyness.”

  • Cons

I would have to hang out with other wine tasters.  I’d probably be required to wear a sweater tied jauntily about my shoulders.  And I guess you’re supposed to spit out most of the wine, which I can handle if it’s cheap wine, but there should be a law against wasting quality alcohol.

Lottery Jackpot Winner:

  • Pros

I could do the exact opposite of what that stupid lottery commercial claims would be “the dream.”  There would be no island castle.  There would be no room full of free-flying exotic birds (along with its piles of exotic bird poop and exotic salmonella risk).  And none of my guests would be required to fly in via un-navigable hot-air balloon (please see my previous post for notes on the mechanics of hot-air flight).

  • Cons

I would probably hurt myself while playing in the trampoline/jacuzzi/climbing wall room (The “Trampuzzi Wall”), but no one would be able to hear my cries over the noise of the live band that I would keep on retainer.

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